Before the Encounter…
My Pre-Encounter Commission
About a year ago, we had the very first Kitchen Cabinet Meeting to discuss the Young Adults Life Group. In that meeting I was asked to take over the blog. A little daunted, but very excited, I got home and started to think about what I would write about. I wasn’t given any specifics, I was just told to write and if anything is amiss Terry and Cathy would let me know. A few days later, I was watching tv and came upon the 700 Club. I had never seen the show before but that day it featured a story that resonated with me and inspired my first blog entry.
The thing is, I never posted it. I remember writing it, crying and a little shaky, and then printing it out even though that little annoying voice in my head told me not to. I drove to the church and almost got in an accident because was so shaken and was crying, afraid of what people would think if I posted it. I gave it to Noemie and ran out the church (I had to pick up my little sister anyway, but I was glad for the opportunity to flee). A couple of days later, Noemie had read it and she was awesome as usual, encouraging and understanding. But I still could not come up with the courage to post it.
At first it was because the blog wasn’t set up yet-the password had been lost and the site wasn’t up-but then I just delayed it, then delayed some more and then just decided not to post it. Not because I was ashamed, there was (and is) nothing to be ashamed of. I didn’t do anything wrong, and even if I had there’s no condemnation for those in Christ. I know that the reason I didn’t post it was because of pride and because of fear.
The past few weeks since I signed up for Encounter, God has just been speaking to me (at pretty much every turn, ask me later if you want specifics, God works in unexpected ways sometimes) that I have to post it. I have been delaying it, a lot, I mean, we leave for Encounter in like 5 hours so this is down to the wire, but I have to let it go because, as Pr Frank said the other day in our Pre-Encounter class, God sets up the table but it’s up to us to eat. In other words, God can’t help me if I won’t let him. I know that I can’t go to the Encounter holding on to this because even though I hold on to it pretty strongly, it has an even stronger hold over me. It’s that mountain that I just can’t seem to move.
So, I am going to post it now. Hopefully, you all will understand how difficult this is for me. It might seem kind of dumb and trivial, but it’s kind of like a small little crack that is left to itself. It keeps getting bigger, and bigger, and bigger and then it’s so much harder to fix. Sometimes the damage can’t be repaired, the object has to be torn down and completely rebuilt. But that’s what I am hoping to get out of this Encounter. I haven’t done everything I should have to get ready for it, but God is good and he wouldn’t have been so pushy (for lack of a better word) if he wasn’t planning something BIG. So here I am, obeying like a good daughter, and trusting him to make it all better than ok. I’ll see you all on Sunday. God bless!
-D 
Original Blog Post: July 10th, 2009
Have you ever said something that you’ve regretted? Chances are you have. The Bible says that “no one can tame the tongue.” (James 3:8) Hopefully, you have repented to God and apologized to the person(s) you may have offended with an honest heart. If you have, that’s awesome and I commend you for that, it’s not always easy to do. But as it says in Luke 14:11 “For the proud will be humbled, but the humble will be honoured.” Unfortunately, though, your words can never be taken back, the damage (if there is any) has already been done. Our words have tremendous power, over our lives, the lives of others and even our Christian lives.
I was watching a show this morning that I had never seen before called “700 Club” and a man was sharing his testimony. He was a police officer and had been hit by a drunk driver while responding to a fatality also by a drunk driver. The doctors had wanted to amputate his legs and told him he would never walk again, but he had prayed and God had given him peace about being healed. He kept on refusing the amputation and found a doctor who would operate on his legs. He is now walking and was even able to go back to work! PRAISE GOD!
What really struck me about his testimony, though, was that he explained how over the years his doctors have suggested plastic surgery to minimize some of the scarring and to improve the overall appearance of his legs (there’s a lot of scarring and because of the accident there are some crevasses from missing tissue). But he refused every time and said “My scars are a badge of honour” from God, living proof of the power of prayer and of faith.
This in itself is inspirational, but what really hit home for me was what he said next: “It strikes up conversation.” This sounds like a pretty insignificant statement, just an aside in an amazing story, but God uses every word of our testimony to reach people. The reason that this particular phrase resonated with me so personally is because I don’t like talking about my scars. In fact I do everything I can to avoid talking about them. My hands are even shaking as I write about them right now. So, when he said this I had to do a double-take and God just took that moment of my attention and ran with it.
Let me give you some background before we go on. I was born with a minor birth defect on my left hand. I was never really told what it’s called but from my own research I think it’s Amniotic Band Syndrome. Basically what happened is there are string-like bands floating around in the amniotic fluid when you’re in utero and by “an accident of nature” as my mom refers to it, one of them wrapped itself around my left hand at some point during development.
As a result, my ring finger and my middle finger are a little more than half the normal size and are shaped a little differently. There’s also some scarring here and there from whatever was wrapped around my hand and from the 6 or so plastic surgeries I’ve had from a few months after birth to the age of about 8, including some skin graphing which has caused the most scarring. It’s not a major defect, my hand works like a normal hand (the doctors say it’s at ~90% functionality, whatever that is suposed to mean) and has never physically kept me from doing anything, mentally is a different story.
My parents were awesome to that fact, they refused to register me as disabled even though I was eligible for government benefits and such because they did not want me to grow up with the mentality that I was disabled or at a disadvantage. I have never thought of myself that way, and I am grateful to them for making that decision. But no matter what good people say or how well they treat you, you never really escape the knowledge that you’re different (unfortunately).
To go back to the story, in that moment God answered a question I had been asking myself and Him since before I got saved just under a year ago. I can remember being in elementary school and talking openly about my scars and how they got there, not hiding them or avoiding being noticed, but at some point it all changed. I started to hide my hand, consciously and subconsciously, and when someone noticed the stitches from the surgeries, I would just dismiss it as “just from a surgery” with no further explanation.
What I didn’t realize was where that all started and how it has affected my life. God showed me in that moment a girl I knew for a year in elementary school before I moved here, I wasn’t really friends with her and I don’t know what I said or did to offend her but one day I said something and all she said was something along the lines of, “Well at least I have all my fingers.” Those 8 words hit me like a pile of bricks. No one had ever made fun of me before or used that against me, and even though I played it off like it was no big deal, and convinced myself of such, I now know that to me it was a HUGE deal. We were in fourth grade or something, and it was so long ago, but God showed me in that moment that those words have haunted my every step from the moment they were spoken. From that moment, I was accutely aware that I was different, and not in a good way.
No one ever used my “disability” against me after that because I wouldn’t let them. I refused to make myself vulnerable to that kind of hurt again. This was partly the fear of being hurt again, but it was also pride, thinking that even though I would never do something like that, others aren’t as nice and understanding as I am (pride is pretty ugly, sorry). So, I found ways to hide my hand, with my sleeve, crossing my arms, etc…. Soon it became a subconscious act, I didn’t have to think about it anymore, it was just hidden. But as I got older, I learned that my hand wasn’t the only thing that made me vulnerable. I started to hide behind clothes so I wouldn’t be made fun of for being overweight, I wouldn’t flirt or talk with boys or put myself out there so that I wouldn’t risk getting my heart broken (an inevitability in my mind), I wouldn’t get too close to anyone because friendships don’t always last so I figured I couldn’t lose what I didn’t have, and besides it’s those closest to you that can hurt you the most, etc….
When I got saved, I found it hard to trust God and make myself vulnerable to his will. I still struggle with that. I didn’t know why I couldn’t just open my heart, not only to Him but to anyone. That’s the question I had been asking myself and God repeatedly and when I read Luke 11:9-10 (“[9]And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on looking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened. [10]For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And the door is opened to everyone who knocks.”) I thought my problem was solved. I thought that if I just kept asking God to open my heart He would. But what I know now is that God loves us so much that He would never force us to love Him or to trust Him if we didn’t want to or couldn’t.
So, He didn’t pry open my heart like I had practically asked him to. But He did give me the key so that I can open the door and walk through it. God is patient and good and he would never reveal something to us unless He knew we were ready to receive it.
I could not love Him with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind, and all my strength (Mark 12:30) even if I wanted to because I was holding myself back. But while I was keeping myself from being vulnerable, I was hurting myself even more (“[24]If you try to keep your life to yourself, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for Me, you will find true life. [25]And how do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose or forfeit your soul in the process?” [Luke 9:24-25]), all because of 8 words spoken by a little girl in the fourth grade, who was probably hurting and taking out her anger on me (“For whatever is in your heart determines what you say.” [Matthew 12:34]) I made a decision that affected the rest of my life.
“[5] …the tongue is a small thing, but what enormous damage it can do. A tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. [6] And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is full of wickedness that can ruin your whole life. It can turn the entire course of your life into a blazing flame of destruction, for it is set on fire by hell itself.” (James 3:5-6) Those 8 words were a spark that lit a fire that turned my heart to ash. But God is so amazing and out of the ashes of a fire-ravaged forest, new life can spring. I can feel my heart healing as I write this and now instead of holding this girl in contempt, my heart breaks for her. What was going on in her life that she felt the need to lash out at someone else? Is she still hurting? Is she imprisoned by her sin and by the words she used as weapons?
Well God, there’s only one thing I can do: I forgive her. I release her unto You and pray forgiveness and salvation over her life. I release the hold those words have over me by the power of Jesus’ name and by His blood that was shed for me. I open my heart completely and ask You, Lord, to come into it and heal it so that I can serve and love You with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind, and all my strength. And I pray that through this testimony, though it scares me to death to share it, Your name would be glorified and that You would use it to open someone else’s heart.
I give you all the power, all the honour, and all the glory.
In Jesus’ name,
Amen.
Comments
Noemie Boutet (Jun 06, 2010)
Daniça, this confession is even more beautiful the second time I read it. I know there is amazing freedom in taking on God’s perspective, and accepting his unfathomable love. Everything we face in life can either become a tool for pain and destruction in the devil’s hands (or in our own clumsy ones), or a thing for good in God’s hands. I think it all comes down to what position you’re going to take : trusting God, or becoming bitter at him. The joy that comes with trusting him in the long run of this mysterious journey of life is hard to put into words; it is so real and worth it!